a little piece

Tonight, my heart broke a little more and that broken bit feels like it had fallen into cyber space... or hopefully, dropped into heaven.

tonight, you brought along a little piece of everyone you know to heaven.

you're like the little sister in law i never had. i love you eva. see you soon.

so what? lets let the pain start

tomorrow, i will be getting results for yet another 2 sets of bloodtests. my instincts tell me only 1 MIGHT turn out well. the other... hmm... so i'd like to think at this moment that i am prepared for it.

tonight, i decided to attempt coming to terms with things...

tonight, christine told me - that in face of whatever shit there is, ask myself : So what? it is supposed to make things easy.

so what? so, live and die another day until... the other day doesn't come. but it'd be too late for me to know. so, just live like today is the last i guess.

then, i feel the pain in my chest. and i dont know if it is real or not anymore. but, so what?

if it is physical, i hope we find out why in the results.

if it isn't real... hmm... i don't know.

right now, i feel like... maybe it is not just my heart that is broken. but believing that it is allows me to not think about other parts of me that would be breaking away. and i think... it also makes it easier for people around me to handle their belief that i am self centred and only obsessed about a broken heart.

and i think about the people around me and their reactions... i think there are 3 types of reaction:

1. they come by and take away what looks like fresh bits... for THEIR keepsake. this would be someone like alex... who seeks comfort with me when he feels unsure about his new partner. who wants to continue to hear coaxing words on a bad day. someone who comes, takes away one of those broken pieces... and leave me with fewer pieces

2. they come by and trample on the broken pieces to get it more smashed up. these, are a few people i had thought understood what i've been through the past 10years. but who turns around and tells me it has been a pain and waste of their time listening to me. these, are just out to try to reduce me to nothing... so that their own broken pieces would seem larger and whole.

3. then there are those, who come by and try to put the pieces back together for me. they start with small pieces that fit... offering all sorts of adhesives that had worked with other brokenness they know of from past experiences. they also bring with them past photos of the me they used to know... to remind me of how things can be.

maybe right now, i don't want to really be picking up the pieces myself. nor do i care if i get smashed. as weird as it is, i think it is more important for someone out there to salvage what he can. so as wrong as it seems, it goes back to, only alex is doing the right thing.

and maybe right now, i will let the physical pain takeover. i'd like to be done with emotional pain.

they say things happen for a reason. i guess there's no better time for the bodily pain to start.

Day 1 of 30

Yesterday, I turned 30. That was the youngest I'd ever be in my 30s, and I wanted to have a blast at it.

Vanessa kindly took leave to spend the day with me. We went down to have breakfast at kfc, then drove down to NTU to reminsce how the start of 20s was like. Then I met Fangqi and Huangying for dinner at dessert at Clarke Quay... and... life felt... good. Not great. But it was good.

At the back of my mind, I wondered if Alex might has sent me the e-card he joked about. And in the deeper pit of my heart, I allowed myself to fantasize on the possibility of him flying back to give me a hug, or send me flowers, or send me a cake.

The moment I returned, I checked my facebook. I checked my inboxes on all my email accounts.

There was nothing.

There was however, a curious new email from Jianquan (he has his own folder from long ago... and emails from his auto filters there). I opened it. It was him wishing me happy birthday. And he was in Maldives with his wife.

And it makes me wonder... which is worse?? That the love of my life at this moment doesn't even so much as wish me happy birthday, or that the love of my life in the past decade wishes me happy birthday while he is on his 2nd honeymoon with his wife... the role I had spent a good half of my 20s thinking would be me.

So at the end of Day 1 - life is good. But it is cruel. And it still ain't gonna be a smooth ride.

But I've lived through it once and survived, so I know these things won't fall me. It's gonna be another one of those hard pills to swallow.

But I know... that once I let the pills settle in, they make me stronger. Some take longer. But the point is, I will live.

Happy 30, me.

哭過就好了

some months back, zoo-sista was hooked on this song. right now, the ball has made its way to me...

para-phrasing what the girl said in the video... i guess...

i've never said no, not because i am willing
but because i love you
i (no longer) get angry, not because i dont have a temper
but because i love you
you dont see me cry anymore, not because i have run out of tears
but because... (you dont like to see them
and because) i love you

but now as i let the tears fall, would the pain disappear thereafter like the song says it would?

i guess the physical pain would go away. there's a strange pain that tags in my head, and pulls at some nerve in the wrists. i know i would look even more like a wreak tomorrow. but all that, will go away. but i just dont know what to do with the emotional pain...

kai told me just now that i deserve better, and this can only be good news, cos it is about time i look for someone better and more deserving. i told kai i don't wanna find someone better and more deserving.

i just want to find a potion that would turn my heart into stone. i think life would be better that way. stupid people have no right to love.

2001 vs 2010 的距离

would just cut and paste something that i've just sent to TSJ/MDC here...

am listening to where do you wanna go de live 相信 now... and feel abit emo...
then hearing the part about

现在是2001
永远的2001
跟想像有点距离

i wish it is still 2001 ba
at least i was slim then... lol...

and just wanna anyhow say...
altho it is just a switch between '0' and '1'... it is now a 2010 and...
i dont know, so much seems to have happened, but yet, i just dont feel like i am anywhere further from a round dot (lol... aka yuan dian)... aka a rather nowhere de life...

i think in 2001, i thought i would be married with 2 kids in 2010 ba...
and my kids should be in nursery now.
i would be staying in a maybe 4 room flat in bedok or what...
and the best thing that can happen to me might be that i have no more fear of cats.

but as tom hanks said in you've got mail -

Till then, I am still here.

This loss, is not mine.

Hmm I guess… the good thing about being extremely sad… is that it helps you identify who are the people closest to your heart.

I know none of my friends handle crying companions well. But… I didn't give them a choice. Haha.

MF – luckily or not for her… she was driving when the downpour started. I’ve never seen MF cry. I believe she doesn't have tears. But as she talked about suffering in silence… I think what she doesn't have isn’t that she doesn't have no tears. It is that she doesn't have weak meaningless tears… which I so readily have.

Then I called joey… for her unwaivering sense of right and wrong in this past 2 years… despite this monumental heap of rubbish I have subjected myself to. And she has been through heaps of rubbish herself… so I knew she would understand. And… I just somehow felt that she knows me better than I know myself. Cos over 10 years and these 2 guys… I have made too many excuses for myself.

And then… I called kai. I think I need someone to lean on… and in my subconscious… he stood in my head as a steadfast figure. I think he knows, and I know… his place in my heart, and how he’s not getting what he deserves from me.

But… yet he personifies cringy notions of ‘you are not alone’ and ‘I’ll stand by you’. He reminds me of Victor… except that I hope he wouldn’t vanish into thin air like Victor one day… cos I want him to be in my life… unlike Victor who came by the serve a purpose.

I don't know at which point the remote sense of indifference started to settle in – MF and her suggested options of suffering in silence/living with it; joey and her conviction that alex IS the ONLY problem in my life; or kai and his maturity beyond MY age… and the achievable steps he proposed that I can realistically take…

But change has started… and it can only get better. I’ve changed my profile picture… I’ve forced more accountability toward people around me by making an opened commitment to stop loving him… I’ve deleted some meaningless sms that used to tag at my heartstrings… and I have moved him from the IMPORTANT list to a colleagues list on msn.

And it gets clearer as I thrash things out – I don't need him. It is my friends that I need.

you dont call & we dont talk anymore...

hmmm... it's been exactly 6months since i last wrote... and... i wish more had changed... but here we are... still in the same spot.

so what happened in the past 6months?

off the cuff, i can only think of staying with alex for 5 months.

5 months... it's a short period, but with memories enough to last the next 50 years... if i even have that long.

yet, it has only been but 6 weeks since he has left....
and just 6 weekends without him...
but it feels like 6 years...

he, and nobody, knows exactly how much i cry.
i have lost track too.
he says it is not possible to cry a bottle of tears.
but i think it might just have been literally a few buckets...

and yet... we have talked for no more than 6 phone calls.

how does one accept a change... from 24/7 to less than 6 phonecalls in 6 weeks?

i dont know... but it is as it is...
and i know i have to learn to prepare...
for less than 6 phonecalls in 6 months...
and less than 6 phonecalls in 6 years...

soon... i know we wont even know what to talk about anymore, though i've got so much to say to you.

soon... 6 phonecalls would be too much for you...

and soon, there wont be many more 6 years left...